


Middle Pt. 1

by justmeetmeinthemiddle



Category: Zedd - Fandom, anton zaslavski - Fandom, ledd - Fandom, liam payne - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drama Drama Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-06 09:11:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17342573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmeetmeinthemiddle/pseuds/justmeetmeinthemiddle
Summary: hbd binchsome of us (me) don't know how to write and it shows. so you like better appreciate this lmao.anyways let the drama(tm) begin





	Middle Pt. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> hbd binch 
> 
> some of us (me) don't know how to write and it shows. so you like better appreciate this lmao.
> 
> anyways let the drama(tm) begin

It had only been a couple of days, but Anton could feel the difference already.

The person he thought was so deeply in love with? He's been pulling away, he's been pushing him away. They'd been drifting apart and it made him go crazy. But he was too scared to do anything.

He didn't want to be too clingy, to be too needy, to be too much and making everything worse. But could things really get worse? Maybe, just maybe, this was all in his head? Were his feelings betraying him? Were his previous relationships clouding his judgement? Or was he being reasonable? He knew what Liam acted like when his relationships were ending. He knew the patterns all too well. Sadly, he saw them all repeating themselves now and he had no idea how to stop any of them. He didn't know whether there was even a tiny bit left in Liam that wanted to stop them too.

It had all started seemingly innocent. In the end everyone had off days. It didn't mean that feelings were vanishing or promises were being broken. But it was hard to trust in those things once off days became off weeks and off months.

The first time Anton realised there might be more to Liam's odd behaviour was when he was regularly waking up alone in his bed, well actually in what had become their bed. In the beginning he didn't waste too much thought on it since he figured everyone needs space one way or another. In the end their evenings have always been occupied with cuddling sessions and being all up in eachother's space even when they had only been friends.

Maybe Liam just needed mornings to himself now. He couldn't blame Liam for that since he enjoyed some alone time aswell.

However, waking up next to Liam had always been one of his favourite things. Hearing his soft breathing and occasional snors, which were endearing to him, had been a source of comfort. They soothed him. And he had always the impression that this had been one of Liam's favourite time spent aswell. Afterall Liam never got up before Anton. Not necessarily because he was a long sleeper, but because he seemed to find Anton's presence soothing too.

Sometimes in hushed conversations during the night, where it's easier to spill your guts, he'd admit that even though it was embarassing he'd be up long before Anton and would just watch him. Most of the time he wouldn't even realise that that much time had passed. But he just loved looking at his cute face. It just looked adorable when he slowly woke up. He loved the transition from Anton's sleepy face to a face he couldn't quite pin-point. It was something between fondness and some sort of admiration that made Liam's stomach flip. He said how no one had ever looked at him with such sincerity and he just couldn't get enough of it.

Not to forget their make out sessions. God, did Anton miss those. They had tethered him once he woke up to an occasional empty bed. Those shared kissed had become a reaffirmation that even if they were leaving their honey moon state of mind, there was still love between them.

It had been days now though and Anton's mind had been running in circles. He tried to talk himself out of his thoughts but it became increasingly more difficult. He'd feel anxious when they laid down cuddled up to one another in the evening. He'd always wonder whether Liam would be gone early in the morning again without as much as a short sweet peck on his lips. But even those weren't happening anymore.

Anton had never expected to wake up from too much silence, but he did.

He had gotten way too used to it all. There was no steady breathing next to him, there was no gentle or not so gentle attempt to wake him up, there was no being stared at. He dreaded opening his eyes because he didn't want any of that confirmed. But he opened them anyways. What else was he supposed to do?

Anton sighed deeply and rubbed his hands over his face to get rid of the knock-off version of sleep that had been left in his eyes. He pushed the duvet off of himself and set up just staring infront of him not focusing on anything. Maybe he was just being dramatic. But he couldn't help it. Thoughts of Liam not wanting to be his anymore crept back in his mind no matter how hard he tried to shake them. He decided there was no point in wallowing in all of this, so he got up, threw on a jumper and made his way downstairs to the living room in hopes Liam would be there.

***

Liam had been sitting on the terace for quite some time. Hunched forward, resting his elbows on his knees, absimently shaking his left leg. Chin resting on one of his hands, while the other was holding a cigeratte that he took long drags off of every once in a while. He was looking into Anton's wide and minimalistic garden. He wasn't really looking but rahter staring infront of him. Seemingly deep in thought.

Anton began stepping closer to the door frame, not really wanting to intrude on Liam or his thoughts. But he didn't want to ignore him either. There had been too many occasions in the last days where both of them chose not to talk. So with slow and steady steps he appeared in Liam's peripheral view. Liam didn't seem to register that though. Anton could've gone back without being noticed but decided against it. Instead he was searching for words, to break the silence, but his mind went blank. So he just went with a small "Hey".

Liam nearly jumped out of his chair. "God, you scared the living shit out of me."

"Yeah, saw that." he chuckled in response. Altough it was more of a nervous chuckle than actual amusement. He could sense that there was tension and he really didn't know what to make of it or how to deal with it. „You've been jumpy lately..“

"I have not." Liam murmed in return, not really looking at the other man.

Another long silence followed. Anton was scrambling for topics.

"Right. So, um.. you're smoking again? I thought you stopped."

"Well, I guess I haven't. Have I?" the irritation in Liam's voice more clear than ever.

Great, Anton thought to himself. He's already gotten on Liam's bad side. But with how things were between them at the moment he didn't know what topics were save to talk about and which were not. He hated it with every fiber of his being. They used to be able to talk about everything, even the most of uncomfortable topics, and smoking didn't even come close to that and yet that one had become the most useless conversation starter.

"Well. Yeah" he repsonded timidly. "Sorry. I was just surprised. Tis all."

Liam sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. "It's fine. I didn't mean to be rude."

And he did really seem to be sorry. Maybe this whole situation was too much for him aswell. He was clearly trying to sort himself out.

"I guess I'm just a bit more stressed out" he chuckled weakly looking down at the lighter he had started playing with.

"Yeah" Anton agreed timidly. After a short break he followed up with "So are you up for a little breakfast?"

Liam nodded silently. Not really being able to look at Anton.

Maybe Liam hadn't given up on them after all. Lately he had been declining breakfasts together claiming he wasn't hungry when both of them knew he loved breakfast. Maybe this was his way of showing that he is trying. That he is trying to get back into his own. Anton was going to cling on to that hope. He stuck his hand out sayng "Then let's get going."

Liam got up and took his hand. Both of them shared small smiles. It had been some time since they had been holding hands. Granted this wasn't pure hand holding. But both of them were going to bask in it.

***  
Even though it seemed like Liam was trying to be less distant in the last couple of days. Anton still coudn't shake the feeling of unease.

It was no surprise since neither of them had tried to talk about it. But it was clear both of them were aware something was off.

Anton missed snuggling up to Liam. The other had been gone for a couple of days to do some promo. When he came back Anton greated him with a hug. It turned out to be very brief though. He tried to attribute it to the fact that Liam was tired and just wanted to lay down.

Somehow he managed to talk him into watching a movie though. He felt like that was safe. It wouldn't be just them cause that still felt like too much pressure and he didn't want to test his luck.

They wouldn't have to keep up a conversation. If it died down it wouldn't be awkward because they'd be focusing on the movie again.

And maybe they'd slowly gravitate towards one another.

If Anton got lucky he could rest his head on Liam's shoulder or even better Liam would rest his head on his lap and Anton could just start playing with his curles. That would be really nice. Really, really nice.

But he'd have to be careful how to initiate any contact because he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle a rejection right now even if it didn't mean anything. He had worked himself up over this mess of a situation they had found themselves in that any sort of withdraw would just feel like another punch in the gut.

***

Anton had been walking on egg shells around Liam. And quiet frankly he was getting sick of it since the other didn't seem to make an effort for him either. That's why his tone had gotten rougher than it used to.

It was late at night that Anton had found Liam in the living room. He seemed to be occupied, but not really. Liam was sitting at the dinner table, hunching over his laptop, wearing headphones.

Anton cleared his throat loudly.

No reaction.

He grew increasingly annoyed because it was clear Liam was ignoring him.

"Liam" he repeated louder. There was a quick look over to him but Liam decided to type away or whatever else he was doing.

"You could at least acknowledge me, you know?" Anton said as he walked over to the table and rested his hand on it standing opposite Liam.

"Hm?"

"Are you being fucking serious?"

"What?"

Anton sighed. "It's whatever. You clearly don't care.."

That's when Liam took off his headphones. "What's the matter with you?"

„What's the matter with _me_ ? What's the matter with _you_ ?! You keep on avoiding me. And you now apparently can't even bare to sleep next to me. _That's_ my problem. What's making it worse is that you're pretending like everything is normal, when it's clearly fucking not. Hiding behind your stupid laptop and headphones!"

"You're being ridiculous! I'm not hiding. I was editing music. My bad for working, I guess. I didn't hear you which you should've guessed from me wearing headphones."

"Oh please. Your headphones aren't even plugged in!"

"That's because they are wireless?"

"And that's the fucking reason there's a cord hanging down from them, right?"

Liam went silent. He clearly hadn't thought this through. He wanted to defend himself but there was no way he could.

"I guess I'll leave you to it then..." Anton murmed as he left the room.

***

"What are we even doing anymore?"

"What do you mean what are we doing?"

"What are we? What is this?"

Liam's growing more and more irritated. "Why would you ask such a stupid question?"

"Stupid, yeah?"

"Yeah." Liam says holding Anton's gaze. "S t u p i d question."

He's met with no response.

"What do you want me to say? We're us!"

Anton crosses his arms and rolls his eyes. "Well, thank you for enlightening me..."

"Well, I don't know-"

At this point Anton is boiling with anger. "You. Don't. Know." 

"Oh, don't you look at me that way! If you knew any better you wouldn't even be asking! This isn't fair."

"Not fair..." he murms.

"Fine! We're friends. Do I need to spell it out for you? F R I -"

"Stop right the fuck now or-" there's a tramble in his voice.

Liam isn't backing down now. He's grown increasingly upset with this interrogation and he's not going to make it easy on Anton. If there's one thing he doesn't like it's being cornered. So he continues "E N D S" 

"Fuck. You." Anton spits at him. "Friends yeah?! What kind of friends kiss one another and make a habit out of it!"

Liam goes pale at that and frantically says "Wait. Look, okay. I wasn't thinking straight. I-"

"Clearly." the other huffs.

"That's not what I'm saying!"

That elicts a chuckle "Of course not..."

There's panic bubbleing inside of Liam. Why can't he just ever say the right thing? Why does his brain let him say the stupidest things at the worst moments? And why can't he just be what Anton needs him to be? He's been trying for weeks to sort himself out, to be where he needs to be to be able to properly love Anton. But he feels like he's still a thousand miles away from that and he's not even sure he'll ever get there. He just, he feels so defeated. 

When Liam speaks again his voice is shaky and pleading eyes "Can we, can we please not do this right now? I'm, I'm not - god, I'm fucking all of this up. Can we just, just for tonight. I don't want to make things worse and -"

Anton just gives him a small sad nod. Both of them are tired and Anton's just patrified of what's going to happen next if they keep talking. So he lets it go for tonight.

 ***

"What's you're fucking problem, man?"

"What's _my_   problem?! What's _yours_?"

"I don't have a problem."

He huffs "Right. That's why you ignore me all the goddamn time and whenever I try to get close to you, you flinch and push me away!"

"That's bullshit and you know it." Liam yelled back.

"Is that so? What about the other day? You couldn't stand to have me sitting even remotely close to you on the couch! We haven't seen each other in weeks and you're acting like you don't even want to be here... like it's a punishment to be close to me. Do you know how that hurts? Do you?"

Silence.

"You don't even have a smart answer for that now, do you? You care so little that you don't even want to pretened."

"I do care" the words merely a whisper. 

"I don't feel like you do. I haven't felt it in a long time and it breaks my heart." Anton replies while getting chocked up.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I try to give you space and it seems, it seems like that makes you lose interest even quicker. When all my insecurities win and I get clingy you push me away or are completely distant. What am I supposed to make out of it?"

"I... I don't know." And there they are again. Those three magical words. I don't know.

Liam can't bear to look at Anton and instead looks to the ground. He's trying to blink away tears.

Anton let's the silence settle because he's afraid of what might come next. He hopes Liam still wants to salvage whatever has been going so wrong with them.

"I think..." he hesitates for a bit "I think I'm in over my head.“ Liam sniffels.

It's the first time he's actually admitted it to himself and it makes his heart break saying these words out loud. He doesn't mean to be hurting Anton. He was meaning to sort this out on his own. But all the fights show that he's done the shittiest job at doing that. He has a lump in his throat when he tries to speak again but can't. He just can't. He doesn't want to lose the person he loves the most. But it feels like he's already lost him and that there is no going back.

Anton feels dizzy. This is definitly not the way he wanted this conversation to go. _Liam's in over his head_. He's in over his head. This sentence keeps being repeating in his mind. He's trying to stay calm. He's trying to not full on panic even though he's basically already there. Maybe this still can be turned around, right? Right?

Very carefully he whispers "Okay" while looking anywhere but Liam. But what is that okay even supposed to mean? Is he okay? Definitly not. Is Liam okay? By the sound of the sniffels he hears he's not either. 

There's a long silence where none of them move. Both of them too busy going through all of the worst case scenarios in their minds. If anything the last weeks have shown that both of them don't know how to handle being in over their heads. It lead them to constant fighting and pulling away. 

So it's no surprise when Liam chokes saying "I can't do this. I'm sorry."

 

 


End file.
